The Field Guide to Recognizing Your Crazy Exes

I was going to make a blog post about the whole Tiger Woods/ Sandra Bullock / everyone cheats thing, express my fairly unpopular opinions on the whole mess, and generally regal you with stories of my own torrid past. And I will. But today, instead, I want to write about something that may or may not go hand in hand with that:

 

 

The crazy ex.

Now, I have been wanting to write about this topic for quite some time, but given my current situation (which will be talked more about in the above mentioned next post), I have held my tongue. Lately though, the more I think about it, the more I realize that’s the topic most on my mind.

 

In the last year, I’ve had my share of run-ins with the CE (crazy ex, obviously). Both my own hopesoontobe ex-husband, and my boyfriend’s hopesoontobe ex-wife. Completely different situations surrounding each of them, but both crazy to varying degrees. We’ve all been there, we’ve all had relationships end and the chances that we handled it in a less than classy way are high. Calling and hanging up, begging via text messages, stalking friendster/myspace/facebook/twitter/whatever the cool social networking site of the moment may be. We show up places we think our ex may be, making sure to look outstanding. We talk shit on their new boyfriend/girlfriend/any person they ever look at twice. None of that is outlandish. Childish and silly, yes. But normal and a part of the whole grieving process.

 

The CE however, is someone who takes these things to the extreme. Like to the point you need to get an order of protection from your ex. Which is what I had to do, and thanks to my ex, the majority of my summer and early fall were spent in and out of court rooms. Now, this is normally the point where I would make up a name to protect the innocent. However, the douchey get no such protection in this blog, so I present to you, CE #1 – Steve.

 

Steve is the almost worst kind of CE. Thankfully, he is not of the “I’m going to threaten you with a gun to your head and threaten the life of you and your current boyfriend” type, but he is the “I’m going to stalk you and sit outside of your apartment watching your every move” type. Things that this type of ex may or may not be known for?

 

- Punching through windows when you ask them to leave, causing them to severely lacerate their upper arm, needing multiple stitches.

 

- Emailing you at least 30 to 40 times a day. These emails will range from “Fuck you, you fucking whore/slut/cunt/bitch” to “I love you, please let’s talk” to “I fucking hate you forever, you ruined my life”. Responding or not makes no difference, they will continue either way.

 

 

- Calling your phone 20 times in a row, either to scream at you, hang up on you, or try to sweet talk you. They will also call you at your work, regardless of being told by other employees not to.

 

- Steal all of the money out of your bank account, even stealing a child support check you were given by another NOT crazy ex.

 

- Break into your apartment multiple times when you’re not home, some times doing nothing but getting some of their things, to punching holes in walls, to even stealing things and breaking your property. Don’t bother calling the police, they will just tell you to write-up an incident report… big help, guys! (Please, of course, call the police anytime anything like this happens!!)

 

- Watch when you go on dates, or bring someone back to your apartment, even though you have been separated for months at that point, and the next day come into your apartment while you’re at work and break every single picture that’s left of the two of you, and cut up articles of clothing and the like.

 

- When you do file a pfa (protection from abuse, PA’s version of a restraining order), for which you have to spend two separate full days in a court-house, causing your mom to have to go with you and making you not able to stop pooping from nerves (tmi? sorry), they will of course do everything they can to get you to drop it. You won’t, because you’re awesome and stronger than they are, but you’re fucked out of money he stole/damage he did to property/etc because his mommy and daddy bought him a lawyer and you just had a liaison from the women’s center. Who rocks, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not the same.

 

- Once you’re actually granted the pfa, he will leave you alone for a while. Until it’s your birthday/birthday party. Then he will call you a bunch of times, and send you an email containing a suicide note. He’s unstable, obviously, so please take the note seriously, even if it may not be, and let his parents know.

 

- All of that is already in violation of the pfa. But you’re nice, and don’t want him to get into “real trouble”. Stop being a fucking idiot. When he violates that pfa and comes to stalk you in the middle of the night, call the cops, and follow through. Guess what? A warrant will be issued, and he will eventually be arrested, and he will spend a few weeks in jail. He needs this, trust me.

 

- There will be a month or two of no contact, and then the emails and ims will start again. It’s okay, eventually he will get bored, or meet a new victim, I mean girlfriend. It will most likely stop at that point.

 

The best thing about this kind of CE, is that it lets you see this crazy behavior in perspective boyfriends a lot earlier, and you won’t (hopefully) be making that same mistake again. You also get to learn how the legal system works, and keep your skin looking fresh, and youthful, and dewy, thanks to many tears that will be shed out of both fear and frustration. Plus, you know you’ve got a keeper on your hands when your (very new at that point) boyfriend goes with you to court and isn’t scared off by the CE’s antics.

 

There’s another kind of CE, the one that isn’t even your ex at all, but instead the former partner of your current boyfriend/girlfriend. It’s easy to get angry and upset at your love for having been stupid/insane/crazy/blinded/insert other adjective here enough to EVER have thought that being with that person was a good idea. Nevermind that they stuck with them for 10 years of batshittery. It’s easy to question their judgment, and wonder what was possibly wrong with them for that whole time. It’s easy, and you will most likely do this. However, stop a second and remember you’ve got a CE or two of your own, and the people we have chosen to be with were what we thought we wanted/needed at the time. Considering how awesome and hot and funny and witty and adorable and understanding and loving and … humble you are, they obviously realized their mistakes and made the right choice. So, go easy on them.

 

What kinds of things does the CE by proxy do? Oh, ho ho. I’m glad you’ve asked. Here’s just *some* of the things you can hope to expect:

 

- When you first start dating your boyfriend, expect phone calls FROM the CE. Expect her to also send emails to every. single. person. on his email account (the email account she hacked into, mind you) about every detail of his sexual life/habits, and calling you names. Classy and adult-like! Why did he ever break up with her??

 

- Expect her to ask you to tell him to go back to her. Seriously. Because that would happen. “Hello, boyfriend? I really think you and your batshit ex should try and work it out, okay? Okay, good! Call me when you find a boiled rabbit in your kitchen, bye!”

 

- You will also receive emails from her TO your boyfriend, where she calls YOU names and insults you. Expect her to try and get his entire family on her side, even though with a few exceptions, no one liked her anyhow, and thinks she’s a complete idiot. And controlling. And a bitch. Also, wonder why no one expressed these thoughts to your boyfriend when he was actually WITH her and it may have mattered.

 

- If they own a house together, expect her to change the locks, but then expect him to continue to pay on the mortgage. Also, even though he hasn’t lived there in months, and she still does, she will stop paying the mortgage, but then freak out when his lawyer tells him he shouldn’t be paying it anymore. She will also act completely self-righteous about everything, even though she’s in the wrong 9 times out of ten.

 

- She will call around to his doctor’s office and somehow get information about when he’s got an appointment. She will show up AT the appointment, wearing what has to be the ugliest shirt known to man, and scream at him in the parking lot for an hour. Oh, and the point of this? The dog that they have shared, that your boyfriend tells her he’s working on finding a home for since she doesn’t want to walk the dog, feed the dog, generally be nice to any living thing ever, is waiting in his crate for her to THROW at him and make him take. Luckily, you will be in the car when all of this happens, and you will gladly take the dog into your home because you’re not a monster. Don’t forget, when your boyfriend tries to leave she will block his car in the parking lot, screaming some more. AND, when you’re on your way home, 15 mins into the drive she will drive by honking and cursing at you on the way. SHE IS SO SANE!

 

- If she is pregnant, she will tell him to come to appointments. Then she will not let him IN the appointments. She will not answer any emails or calls pertaining to the baby appointments, and will not let him be there for any of it though he tries to be there for all of it.

 

- She will show up at your boyfriend’s place of work with a friend, not say a word to him, but throw boxes of things at him that she thinks he needs. Because that couldn’t possibly interfere with and possibly jeopardize his job.

 

- Later, she will call your boyfriend to come over to the house they had shared to pick up things. However, when you get there and he goes in, she will FREAK out because he’s there. She will have a friend pack up things SHE thinks is appropriate for him to have, and sit on the couch crying. When your boyfriend points out something that is his that he wants, she will start a fight with him, shoving him even, and screaming. She will call 911, but hang up. On the drive home, your boyfriend will get a call from the police, who tell your boyfriend that his ex is stupid, and could have gotten into serious trouble for calling 911 and hanging up. They also tell your boyfriend he has every right to have gone into the house and he did nothing wrong.

 

- Then, she will file a PFA against him. But at the pfa hearing, when she tells the judge she’s angry because he has a girlfriend, and that she’s doing this to keep him from the baby because she’s angry and bitter, the judge will basically laugh her out of the court room. She will, of course, lose the case. She won’t realize she has the worst lawyer in the world, at least in terms of domestic cases.

 

- She will then try to file emergency custody paperwork so your boyfriend doesn’t get to see the baby except for supervised visits. She will include your name in the paperwork even though you have nothing to do with any of it, and have never even mentioned anything about the baby or wanting to be around it. During a court meeting, your boyfriend will find out A WEEK LATER that the baby was born. THE BABY WAS BORN. Upon hearing this, the court officer will scream at her and be in as much disbelief as you are that she is such a callous, vengeful, selfish person that she didn’t even tell him the baby was born. He will tell her to grow the fuck up.

 

- She will decide, 2 months in, that she needs to baptize the baby. Nevermind that she’s not even religious and according to your boyfriend is only doing this to look good to people. She will not consult your boyfriend about this, nor will she talk to him about who the godparents will be. She then expects him to be there, to put on a good show. She will be sadly mistaken.

 

- During the custody hearing, the judge finds her claims to be so silly and frivolous he will tell both lawyers they don’t even need to go to trial. He will tell the lawyers that to play it safe both parties need to get evaluations but that he fully expects that the father will get as much custody as he’s seeking. You will be wondering if the person doing the evaluation will realize that his CE is completely bipolar and crazy.

 

- She will move into a new place, and leave two cats alone in an empty house for two or three weeks, sometimes stopping by to feed them. Selfish has a new face, ladies and gentlemen.

 

- She will tell your boyfriend that he and his mother can come get the baby and take the baby for a day, because your boyfriends mother has never gotten to meet the baby. Your boyfriend and his mother will arrive at her place, and she will freak out. She will fight with him the entire time, claiming she never told him he could take the baby. Because, you know, his mother drove three hours to sit on her couch and listen to them fight. She is, in a word, a cunt.

 

- You will be baffled how an adult with a CHILD can act this way, how so much anger and bitterness can be taking care of a baby properly, and you chuckle to yourself over the fact that she’s complaining about the baby’s constant crying. Babies are like animals, they can sense evil, and they can sense foul moods. They respond accordingly. You will also take childish (you can admit this, you’re grown) delight in the fact that the baby is almost always pleasant and sweet and calm with your boyfriend.

 

The CE by proxy is almost harder to deal with than your own CE. You are thrust into a situation where you have no say in the matter, where you are forced to be the better person and it will most likely causes fights between you and your boyfriend/girlfriend. Just know that all of her words and behaviors have to do with the fact that she’s angry and embarrassed and bitter that he’s no longer with her. Just know that she is miserable (and has a terrible over-bite/huge yokel jaw, though that’s neither here nor there), and take comfort in the fact that at every turn court officials have sided against her and realize she’s a vile, terrible person. You and your boyfriend will get through it, you’ll be better for it in the end, and she will have no choice but to stop being nutty. Hopefully… maybe. Okay, don’t count on her being a normal person anytime soon, but as a good friend told me, don’t give her that power to upset you. Because in the end, she’s just upset because you have what she doesn’t, and as we know, that sometimes takes time to get over.

 

Oh, those crazy exes. They provide you with wonderful bar stories, and battle scars. They show you everything you don’t want in your next relationship, and they make you look good in comparison. I mean, I know I have never stuffed pancakes in someone’s face, or made someone walk home 5 hours because I’m terrible, or broken a sink out of anger. Oh man, bitches be crazy, yo. Just keep in mind, when dealing with your ex, you don’t want to be the girl/guy featured in someone’s blog for being bonkers.