It all started out innocently enough, stemming from a “Strictly Platonic” post on craigslist (his) looking for someone to talk to while at work to make the day go faster. It wasn’t like I did anything while there anyhow, most of my day consisted of shuffling papers around my desk when my boss walked into my office to look busy, so I messaged him. And as corny as that sounds, even in the first few emails, it was obvious there was a spark of something there. We emailed through out the day, and that night at home talked via AIM. He was honest about being married, and about the fact that even though he was married, the relationship had long since turned into something other than love and romance. Still, I talked to him with only friendship in mind.

We talked all day, every day while at work, drew silly pictures for one another, made up fake albums together… basically we were as nerdy as we could possibly be, but able to be completely honest about our nerdiness with one another. After a week or so, I invited him to come over for a game night. I was surprised when he said he could come, and as much as I should have said, “Should you ask your wife”, I didn’t really care. Does that make me terrible? Maybe. But while I was somewhat feeling that nagging attraction in the back of my mind, I still believed it would just be some friends watching movies and playing Apples to Apples. And, to be completely honest, if anything were to happen, well, it’s always been my thought that the only person responsible for making sure your partner comes home to you is you and your partner. It was none of my business what happened between them.

The first time I saw him, he looked nothing like I expected. Crazy blond curls everywhere, thin as a skeleton, the softest voice. Nothing at all like my usual chubby to fat boys with dark hair, beards, tattoos and glasses. But the spark was lit instantly, and I was thrilled he was there. It started off a bit awkward, but by the time we were on our second movie, it felt like old hat joking and flirting with him.

He stayed until 7 the next morning. Nothing happened, we really did just stay up all night talking, though at one point when I was almost asleep, he was sitting as far from me on the bed as he could, he whispered, “Can I touch your hair?”, and I may have mumbled a yes. Nothing else happened though, and he left while I was snoring, writing a note on the pizza box from the night. It all snowballed from there, and within a few weeks we were together and inseparable. Did he leave his wife? Yes. Did he leave her because he met me? Maybe. But not because of me, but because that relationship was toxic and dangerous and abusive. They had been together since they were in high school, and while I can’t speak for him, I do believe he just didn’t know anything else was out there. I don’t think he knew that what they had wasn’t how love was supposed to be. We have had many all night conversations about the differences in our relationships before this one, and the one thing that is the same is that before we met one another, we both really just settled for what we thought we deserved, thought we should do.

I’m not going to lie. I’m far from perfect, he’s not the first involved person I have been with. I’ve been the person men have cheated on their girlfriends and wives with before, and I’ve been the one cheating on my partner. Sex has always meant something different to me than most people, and it doesn’t hold much emotional weight. I don’t need to love you to fuck you, and I don’t need you to love me and not another person for me to want you.

I also don’t believe humans are meant to be in one monogamous relationship their whole adult lives, that we’re meant to be with one sexual partner. After all, our whole goal in this crazy word is simply to keep our species going, and faithful life partnership isn’t the most effective way of going about that.

That doesn’t mean I don’t believe in love. With every ounce of myself I believe in true love. Passionate, intoxicating, knee buckling love is maybe the one thing that I believe in more than anything else. I believe that my boyfriend is the best possible fit for me. I don’t believe in soul mates, but I do believe in us. Because of how we started, because of both of our past indiscretions within other relationships, we have been forced to have the most honest, communicative, true relationship we can. We have had a stumble or two, but we believe in us so much that we have sailed over every bump thus far.

Am I proud of the way the relationship began? No. Of course I’m not. But am I ashamed? How can I be ashamed for falling in love? We found one another, he ended a relationship that was over in everything but name, and we are building a life together. People tend to have such strong reactions to what others do in their relationships, and it just amazes me.I really believe that you feeling ANYTHING about how my relationship started (or how, say, certain celebs relationships may have ended) says more about your own fears and insecurities in your relationship, than anything about me.

I’m not advocating going out and cheating on your spouse. I’m just saying not every woman a man has cheated with is a whore, or is stupid, or is out to ruin a relationship. In fact, she (or he, whichever) really has nothing to do with the existing relationship, and owes no one there anything. She’s not where you should focus your anger at. And in turn, not every person who cheats on their partner is evil, sometimes they really do fall out of love with you and in love with someone else, a lot of times they fell out of love a long time before anyone else came along.

So, I guess I veered off course a bit here. My boyfriend was married when I met him. That he was married to a horrible person makes no difference. That his wife was mentally and physically abusive to him doesn’t matter. That he was in the process of preparing himself to leave, and they hadn’t slept in the same room for months, and barely talked to one another doesn’t matter. All people hear is “He was married”, and I become the villain. It’s a role I knew I would take when I fell in love, and while I long ago decided he was worth having that title hanging over me for, it’s still usually easier to just go with, “Oh, we met online and just clicked”.

The crazy ex.

Now, I have been wanting to write about this topic for quite some time, but given my current situation (which will be talked more about in the above mentioned next post), I have held my tongue. Lately though, the more I think about it, the more I realize that’s the topic most on my mind.

In the last year, I’ve had my share of run-ins with the CE (crazy ex, obviously). Both my own hopesoontobe ex-husband, and my boyfriend’s hopesoontobe ex-wife. Completely different situations surrounding each of them, but both crazy to varying degrees. We’ve all been there, we’ve all had relationships end and the chances that we handled it in a less than classy way are high. Calling and hanging up, begging via text messages, stalking friendster/myspace/facebook/twitter/whatever the cool social networking site of the moment may be. We show up places we think our ex may be, making sure to look outstanding. We talk shit on their new boyfriend/girlfriend/any person they ever look at twice. None of that is outlandish. Childish and silly, yes. But normal and a part of the whole grieving process.

The CE however, is someone who takes these things to the extreme. Like to the point you need to get an order of protection from your ex. Which is what I had to do, and thanks to my ex, the majority of my summer and early fall were spent in and out of court rooms. Now, this is normally the point where I would make up a name to protect the innocent. However, the douchey get no such protection in this blog, so I present to you, CE #1 – Steve.

Steve is the almost worst kind of CE. Thankfully, he is not of the “I’m going to threaten you with a gun to your head and threaten the life of you and your current boyfriend” type, but he is the “I’m going to stalk you and sit outside of your apartment watching your every move” type. Things that this type of ex may or may not be known for?

- Punching through windows when you ask them to leave, causing them to severely lacerate their upper arm, needing multiple stitches.

- Emailing you at least 30 to 40 times a day. These emails will range from “Fuck you, you fucking whore/slut/cunt/bitch” to “I love you, please let’s talk” to “I fucking hate you forever, you ruined my life”. Responding or not makes no difference, they will continue either way.

- Calling your phone 20 times in a row, either to scream at you, hang up on you, or try to sweet talk you. They will also call you at your work, regardless of being told by other employees not to.

- Steal all of the money out of your bank account, even stealing a child support check you were given by another NOT crazy ex.

- Break into your apartment multiple times when you’re not home, some times doing nothing but getting some of their things, to punching holes in walls, to even stealing things and breaking your property. Don’t bother calling the police, they will just tell you to write-up an incident report… big help, guys! (Please, of course, call the police anytime anything like this happens!!)

- Watch when you go on dates, or bring someone back to your apartment, even though you have been separated for months at that point, and the next day come into your apartment while you’re at work and break every single picture that’s left of the two of you, and cut up articles of clothing and the like.

- When you do file a pfa (protection from abuse, PA’s version of a restraining order), for which you have to spend two separate full days in a court-house, causing your mom to have to go with you and making you not able to stop pooping from nerves (tmi? sorry), they will of course do everything they can to get you to drop it. You won’t, because you’re awesome and stronger than they are, but you’re fucked out of money he stole/damage he did to property/etc because his mommy and daddy bought him a lawyer and you just had a liaison from the women’s center. Who rocks, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not the same.

- Once you’re actually granted the pfa, he will leave you alone for a while. Until it’s your birthday/birthday party. Then he will call you a bunch of times, and send you an email containing a suicide note. He’s unstable, obviously, so please take the note seriously, even if it may not be, and let his parents know.

- All of that is already in violation of the pfa. But you’re nice, and don’t want him to get into “real trouble”. Stop being a fucking idiot. When he violates that pfa and comes to stalk you in the middle of the night, call the cops, and follow through. Guess what? A warrant will be issued, and he will eventually be arrested, and he will spend a few weeks in jail. He needs this, trust me.

- There will be a month or two of no contact, and then the emails and ims will start again. It’s okay, eventually he will get bored, or meet a new victim, I mean girlfriend. It will most likely stop at that point.

The best thing about this kind of CE, is that it lets you see this crazy behavior in perspective boyfriends a lot earlier, and you won’t (hopefully) be making that same mistake again. You also get to learn how the legal system works, and keep your skin looking fresh, and youthful, and dewy, thanks to many tears that will be shed out of both fear and frustration. Plus, you know you’ve got a keeper on your hands when your (very new at that point) boyfriend goes with you to court and isn’t scared off by the CE’s antics.

There’s another kind of CE, the one that isn’t even your ex at all, but instead the former partner of your current boyfriend/girlfriend. It’s easy to get angry and upset at your love for having been stupid/insane/crazy/blinded/insert other adjective here enough to EVER have thought that being with that person was a good idea. Nevermind that they stuck with them for 10 years of batshittery. It’s easy to question their judgment, and wonder what was possibly wrong with them for that whole time. It’s easy, and you will most likely do this. However, stop a second and remember you’ve got a CE or two of your own, and the people we have chosen to be with were what we thought we wanted/needed at the time. Considering how awesome and hot and funny and witty and adorable and understanding and loving and … humble you are, they obviously realized their mistakes and made the right choice. So, go easy on them.

What kinds of things does the CE by proxy do? Oh, ho ho. I’m glad you’ve asked. Here’s just *some* of the things you can hope to expect:

- When you first start dating your boyfriend, expect phone calls FROM the CE. Expect her to also send emails to every. single. person. on his email account (the email account she hacked into, mind you) about every detail of his sexual life/habits, and calling you names. Classy and adult-like! Why did he ever break up with her??

- Expect her to ask you to tell him to go back to her. Seriously. Because that would happen. “Hello, boyfriend? I really think you and your batshit ex should try and work it out, okay? Okay, good! Call me when you find a boiled rabbit in your kitchen, bye!”

- You will also receive emails from her TO your boyfriend, where she calls YOU names and insults you. Expect her to try and get his entire family on her side, even though with a few exceptions, no one liked her anyhow, and thinks she’s a complete idiot. And controlling. And a bitch. Also, wonder why no one expressed these thoughts to your boyfriend when he was actually WITH her and it may have mattered.

- If they own a house together, expect her to change the locks, but then expect him to continue to pay on the mortgage. Also, even though he hasn’t lived there in months, and she still does, she will stop paying the mortgage, but then freak out when his lawyer tells him he shouldn’t be paying it anymore. She will also act completely self-righteous about everything, even though she’s in the wrong 9 times out of ten.

- She will call around to his doctor’s office and somehow get information about when he’s got an appointment. She will show up AT the appointment, wearing what has to be the ugliest shirt known to man, and scream at him in the parking lot for an hour. Oh, and the point of this? The dog that they have shared, that your boyfriend tells her he’s working on finding a home for since she doesn’t want to walk the dog, feed the dog, generally be nice to any living thing ever, is waiting in his crate for her to THROW at him and make him take. Luckily, you will be in the car when all of this happens, and you will gladly take the dog into your home because you’re not a monster. Don’t forget, when your boyfriend tries to leave she will block his car in the parking lot, screaming some more. AND, when you’re on your way home, 15 mins into the drive she will drive by honking and cursing at you on the way. SHE IS SO SANE!

- If she is pregnant, she will tell him to come to appointments. Then she will not let him IN the appointments. She will not answer any emails or calls pertaining to the baby appointments, and will not let him be there for any of it though he tries to be there for all of it.

- She will show up at your boyfriend’s place of work with a friend, not say a word to him, but throw boxes of things at him that she thinks he needs. Because that couldn’t possibly interfere with and possibly jeopardize his job.

- Later, she will call your boyfriend to come over to the house they had shared to pick up things. However, when you get there and he goes in, she will FREAK out because he’s there. She will have a friend pack up things SHE thinks is appropriate for him to have, and sit on the couch crying. When your boyfriend points out something that is his that he wants, she will start a fight with him, shoving him even, and screaming. She will call 911, but hang up. On the drive home, your boyfriend will get a call from the police, who tell your boyfriend that his ex is stupid, and could have gotten into serious trouble for calling 911 and hanging up. They also tell your boyfriend he has every right to have gone into the house and he did nothing wrong.

- Then, she will file a PFA against him. But at the pfa hearing, when she tells the judge she’s angry because he has a girlfriend, and that she’s doing this to keep him from the baby because she’s angry and bitter, the judge will basically laugh her out of the court room. She will, of course, lose the case. She won’t realize she has the worst lawyer in the world, at least in terms of domestic cases.

- She will then try to file emergency custody paperwork so your boyfriend doesn’t get to see the baby except for supervised visits. She will include your name in the paperwork even though you have nothing to do with any of it, and have never even mentioned anything about the baby or wanting to be around it. During a court meeting, your boyfriend will find out A WEEK LATER that the baby was born. THE BABY WAS BORN. Upon hearing this, the court officer will scream at her and be in as much disbelief as you are that she is such a callous, vengeful, selfish person that she didn’t even tell him the baby was born. He will tell her to grow the fuck up.

- She will decide, 2 months in, that she needs to baptize the baby. Nevermind that she’s not even religious and according to your boyfriend is only doing this to look good to people. She will not consult your boyfriend about this, nor will she talk to him about who the godparents will be. She then expects him to be there, to put on a good show. She will be sadly mistaken.

- During the custody hearing, the judge finds her claims to be so silly and frivolous he will tell both lawyers they don’t even need to go to trial. He will tell the lawyers that to play it safe both parties need to get evaluations but that he fully expects that the father will get as much custody as he’s seeking. You will be wondering if the person doing the evaluation will realize that his CE is completely bipolar and crazy.

- She will move into a new place, and leave two cats alone in an empty house for two or three weeks, sometimes stopping by to feed them. Selfish has a new face, ladies and gentlemen.

- She will tell your boyfriend that he and his mother can come get the baby and take the baby for a day, because your boyfriends mother has never gotten to meet the baby. Your boyfriend and his mother will arrive at her place, and she will freak out. She will fight with him the entire time, claiming she never told him he could take the baby. Because, you know, his mother drove three hours to sit on her couch and listen to them fight. She is, in a word, a cunt.

- You will be baffled how an adult with a CHILD can act this way, how so much anger and bitterness can be taking care of a baby properly, and you chuckle to yourself over the fact that she’s complaining about the baby’s constant crying. Babies are like animals, they can sense evil, and they can sense foul moods. They respond accordingly. You will also take childish (you can admit this, you’re grown) delight in the fact that the baby is almost always pleasant and sweet and calm with your boyfriend.

The CE by proxy is almost harder to deal with than your own CE. You are thrust into a situation where you have no say in the matter, where you are forced to be the better person and it will most likely causes fights between you and your boyfriend/girlfriend. Just know that all of her words and behaviors have to do with the fact that she’s angry and embarrassed and bitter that he’s no longer with her. Just know that she is miserable (and has a terrible over-bite/huge yokel jaw, though that’s neither here nor there), and take comfort in the fact that at every turn court officials have sided against her and realize she’s a vile, terrible person. You and your boyfriend will get through it, you’ll be better for it in the end, and she will have no choice but to stop being nutty. Hopefully… maybe. Okay, don’t count on her being a normal person anytime soon, but as a good friend told me, don’t give her that power to upset you. Because in the end, she’s just upset because you have what she doesn’t, and as we know, that sometimes takes time to get over.

Oh, those crazy exes. They provide you with wonderful bar stories, and battle scars. They show you everything you don’t want in your next relationship, and they make you look good in comparison. I mean, I know I have never stuffed pancakes in someone’s face, or made someone walk home 5 hours because I’m terrible, or broken a sink out of anger. Oh man, bitches be crazy, yo. Just keep in mind, when dealing with your ex, you don’t want to be the girl/guy featured in someone’s blog for being bonkers.

When I was 18, I fell in love for the first time. The kind of falling in love that only happens when you’re 18- consuming, soul crushing, only thing in the world that matters love, and I was completely lost as to how to handle it. Until that point, my experience with boys was mostly of the “omg omg omg he’s so hot, I have a massive crush on him” variety. I had barely kissed anyone, and the one sexual experience I had had was not a mutually agreed upon one.

I met Jeremy, and was completely floored by how strong our connection was. It was easy to fall in love, and he was my first everything. My first real boyfriend, the first person I had slept with, the first boyfriend I lived with, the first person who asked me to marry him. He was my world, and it’s safe to say that ten years later I can still remember every moment, every ounce of feeling that was shared between us.

We lived together in a little room in a little house, and though we were broke and cramped, I thought we were happy. He had moved to my area from Atlanta, and had quickly found a job at a local mall. His ultra-religious parents were not happy that we lived together, or that he moved to Philadelphia, so far away from them. I remember his mom calling fairly often to remind him of this. Our life was a fun one, we would both go to work, come home, go to shows, have sex, and just be together. I don’t remember us fighting much, if ever, and even if you asked me now what problems we had then, I wouldn’t be able to think of many.

And yet, one day out of the blue (it seemed), everything changed.

At the time, I was working two jobs, and he picked me up like normal. I remember the ride home being tense, though I was unsure as to why. As I stared out the window, he told me he was leaving, that he was moving back home to Atlanta. I don’t remember HOW he told me, what words were used. I only remember staring out at the road, focusing on the street lines, and feeling as though a million bricks just fell onto my throat. I didn’t cry, but I had to slide down as far as I could in the seat to keep myself from welling up, and somehow, to keep him from seeing me. As soon as we pulled into the driveway, something snapped. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t do anything except explode into tears and shake. I grabbed onto him, gasping for air, and knowing in that moment I couldn’t do it, that I couldn’t wake up without him next to me. He cried some too, telling me how much he loved me but it was something he had to do. He was unhappier in Philadelphia than I had known, and his parents made it pretty clear that him being there with me was not acceptable.

As I was holding on to him, he began to rub my head, and I remember hating him in that moment. The fact that he would dare try to comfort me when he was the one doing this to me made me sick. I pushed him away and muttered, stupidly, “I’m not going to help you pack”. That night, with me on the bed crying and ignoring him, he packed up all of his belongings. Not only was he leaving me, he was leaving me the next day. I cried and cried, so hard at one point I actually got sick. Eventually, I calmed down some, and we began to talk. Not much, but some. We went to bed with him holding on to me, but I was so upset that most of the night was spent with my entire body pressed against the wall to keep from touching him. I had never felt pain like that before, I had never been in love, and then had that person decide I wasn’t worth sticking around for.

Around 4 in the morning, we got up and I went with him to get coffee. We sat in the driveway, and we talked for a while. At that point in my life, I had been completely convinced we would always be together, that we would marry and have a life that was all our own. At 18, what did I know? The whole morning felt surreal, and it felt as though nothing would ever be okay again. I eventually got out of the car, and he hugged me so close, and so tight, and I just felt like I was dying. I asked him not to leave until I left the front window, and I went inside and stood at that window for so long. I finally couldn’t stand there anymore, and I went to what was now just my bedroom, laid down, and began to cry all over again. I remember hearing his car leave the driveway, and at that point I honestly believed that I would die. That that was it for me. I fell asleep and didn’t get up till the next day for work. I spent at least a good month in a cloudy fog, I can’t remember anything from that time.

That relationship was the start of me being terrified of love. I had gone into that with my whole heart, never realizing it could end the way it did, I was so naive. From that point on, I was always waiting to be left, waiting for the person I was with to realize they didn’t want me. It took me years before I was able to even really trust someone completely, to give myself over to a relationship and not sabotage it.

Break ups have gotten easier since then, mostly because I have never again allowed another person to be my whole world, and because I have come to realize there’s a million reasons things don’t work out, but that reason will never be because I am not good enough. That’s the best thing I learned from having my heart so completely destroyed.

Sorry for the bit of rambliness! I was really nervous.

Also, be on the lookout in the next few days for my very first Vlog!!

It’s that time of year again though! Where those who are single hate couples that much more, and couples get stupid and gooey over one another for no reason other than corporate America tells us we should. Ah, Valentine’s day. The problem with Valentine’s day is that, while I would love to say “Fuck it! Stupid waste of a ‘holiday’! Don’t get me anything at all, tell me EVERYDAY you love me!”, as a dumb girl I get seriously (not-so-secretly
) mushy over the whole mess. This year, I am lucky enough to be in what I consider to be the most amazing, fulfilling, true relationship of my life, and because of that, this snarktress has lost some of her cynicism and has been a ball of moosh for a few weeks now.

One of the benefits of being with someone who loves music as much as my boyfriend does, is that the old tried and true mix”tape” is always a great gift idea. When we first met, we made one another mixes, mostly about the feelings that come along with brand new relationships. He also made me a mix called “The story so far” a few months into it, which was a chronicle via song of how we came to be. Note to readers: It is impossible to NOT fall in love with someone who spends the time picking out songs that express how they feel, putting them in the perfect order, and making wonderful cover art to go along with it. It’s appropriate for ANY occasion, free, and the most wonderful way to share with someone who you really are.

And there it is, the magic of the mix. The thrill of listening to a song and thinking, “That’s it! That’s exactly how they make me feel.” Putting it out there, saying to your crush, or someone you’ve just begun to date, “Please listen to every single line, every single note, and know that I mean every word, even if those words are not my own” is terrifying! What if they think your taste in music sucks? What if they don’t feel the same way you do, and find you to just be a creep? What if they just don’t “get” it? Or, worse, what if they end up hitting “skip” on most of the songs???
Haha, Suckers! One of the perks of being in a relationship, especially one where it’s still very much lovey dovey honey moony is that by default he will be just as excited by every word, every great line will touch him the same way. It’s a good feeling.

The scene in our bedroom last night: The two of us sitting on our bed, each on our own computers, ear phones on, making final choices for our mixes. We communicated via aim, turning once in a while to smile at one another, or mouth I love you. If that’s not pretentious, nerdy, sickening true love, I don’t know what is. It occurred to me that in looking for songs that screamed to me “I LOVE THIS PERSON SO FUCKING MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”, I picked quite a few songs about sex. No surprise there to anyone who knows us, I suppose, but it worried me a bit at first. I got over that quickly though

Melody and a catchy chorus are always good things. For me however, the most important thing about any song will always be the lyrics. So, because I’m sure everyone cares about what songs I chose as much as I do, I present to you:

My Musical Love Letter To you : Valentine’s day 2010 Mix

1) You Are The Best Thing – Ray LaMontagne I love this song, though it’s hard to listen to Ray’s voice and not fall in love with anything he’s singing about.  “You are the best thing ever happen to me”. Simple, to the point, and perfectly sums it up.

2) I’ll Make You Mine – Rainer Maria “I’ll make, I’ll make you mine… because I love you so tonight. I promise that I will send my fears away.” That’s just it, isn’t it? Who here isn’t completely terrified of falling in love? But you just do it, and you stop being scared and you simply dive in. (Side note: All time favorite song about being terrified about falling in love, but doing it anyways? Anna Begins by Counting Crows. But let’s be honest here, thast’s my all time favorite song, period)

3) First Love – The Maccabees “First love, Last love, It’s only love”. Every time you fall, it’s like the first time, and you’re always sure it will be the last time. It’s always new, something different. This song is infectious, in the best way. And don’t worry, it’s not a (not so) subtle way of telling the boy I want to marry him

4) Part One – Band of Horses I just don’t think a love mix should be without Band of Horses. I would have put “No One’s Gonna Love You”, but that was on the first mix I made him. The lyrics are just so sweet. “To wake next to you in the morning/ and good morning to you. How do you do? /Hey, good morning to you!”

5) Like U Crazy – Mates of State “I can’t wait to say all the things you can’t see All the things that make you better”

6) Funny Little Frog – Belle and Sebastian It’s impossible to hear this song and not smile and sing along. Humor and romance all mixed in one, what’s not to love? “Honey, lovin’ you is the greatest thing, I get to be myself and I get to sing” I love this. The boy and I talk all the time how this is the first relationship we’ve both been in where we’ve been able to truly just be who we are. For me, that’s what being in love is – the most pure expression of yourself shared with someone else.

7) My List – 7 Seconds “Breathe as two and think as one”. 7 Seconds is one of my all time favorite bands, sadly it’s just about impossible to find this song online that is the original version, and not the cover by onelinedrawing. But, if you take the time to download it, it’s worth it. I promise!

8 ) Rapture – Pedro The Lion Pedro The Lion is a case of “I really hate music with obvious religious overtones, but I love all his songs anyhow, so just ignore it”. The first line of the song is, “This is how we multiply, pity that it’s not my wife”. Which, I realize most likely is talking about sex without marriage, but given our own personal history, it means a little something else. I just love this song, and religious or not, I find it to be incredibly sexy.

9) Heartbeats – Jose Gonzalez My annoyingly pretentious boyfriend informed me that this cover was a HUGE hit in the indie scene a while ago. Well, fuck him, I just discovered it and I love it and that’s all that matters. This is one of the few covers, imo, that is much better than the original, but I also am not a fan of The Knife, so I could be completely biased on that. It’s just a beautiful song. “Ten days of perfect tunes, the colors red and blue. We had a promise made, we were in love.”

10) Golden – My Morning Jacket Cliche and overused in my mixes? Yes, I’m sure. But “Millions of dreams come real, A feeling in my soul I’d never felt before” says it all.

11) I Love How You Love Me – Camera Obscura This is NOT another case where the cover is better than the original, but it’s still a wonderful version of a well know song.

12) At My Most Beautiful – REM This was not a song I was going to put on the mix. But one night I was laying in bed, close to 3 am, and he was sleeping next to me. The song popped up on my ipod, and for some unknown reason, the line “I count your eyelashes, secretly With every one, whisper I love you” made me cry, and I couldn’t stop tearing up. On to the mix it went.

13) Gentle Hour – Yo La Tengo I admit, I’m not the biggest Yo La Tengo fan ever, but this song gets me every time. It’s just a beautiful, romantic song. “You’re in my world all the time”

14) You Are The Moon – The Hush Sound I almost didn’t put this on here, I feel like it’s a bit too girly/cutesy to give to my boyfriend. But lyrics like “You will see your beauty every moment that you rise” changed my mind. It’s especially great if you have an amazing and wonderful partner who just doesn’t get that they are those things. *COUGH COUGH*

15) Everything With You – The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart Mostly this is on here because I SWORE I had put Pains on my first mix to him, but I apparently did not. “I want everything with you”

16) Ballad For My One True Love – Mason Jennings There is something so sexy and inviting about Mason Jenning’s voice. Not only that, but all of his songs are just right there. “Sweetheart, this is my dream come true”

17) Strangled By The Thought – The New Amsterdams (ignore the video) This is one of the few times I put a song on a mix based purely on one line. I love the New Amsterdams – Hell, I have loved everything Matt Pryor has done. But, this isn’t exactly the best I love you so much song, unless you’re gone a lot, or in a long distance relationship. We live together, however its a beautiful song, and the line at the end, “Because all I want is you” is aces.

18) Follow You, Follow Me – Red House Painters Seriously underrated band, in my opinion. One of those should have been a lot bigger than they were bands. I believe they have reformed under a different name. “Everyday is such a perfect day to spend alone with you. I will follow you, will you follow me?”

19) My Love For you is Real – Ryan Adams Ryan Adams is a cocky mother fucker, but he can write love songs like no one’s business. “My love for you is strong, lord it brings me to my knees”

20) Breathless – Adorable The perfect way to end a valentine’s mix. “I love you” just sung over and over again at the end. So pure and honest.

And there you have it. My mix to the boy I love. I hope you enjoyed listening to these tracks. What would you put on your valentine’s mix?

Happy Valentine’s Day, Chumpy. I love you <3

A few years ago, I met a boy online. I don’t remember where, and I don’t even remember his name, but we’ll call him Scott. Scott and I emailed a few times, and had one or two telephone conversations before he asked me if I would like to go on a date. Now, I may not remember his name, but I do remember him being fucking HOT. On the shorter side, with beautiful full sleeves, slicked back dark hair, intense eyes, he looked a lot like Chris Carrabba, but more rockabilly. Of course I said yes. He lived a bit away, on the complete other side of the airport, and I don’t drive, so I offered to meet him in the city- half way for both of us. Being a gentleman, he said no way, and came to pick me up. I remember him complimenting my hair (and, it did look awesome, I must admit. It looked much like this at the time: , which I know you can’t tell from that picture, but trust me, it was hot), and I also remember being completely unable to form a coherent sentence for 10 minutes or so because of how attracted to him I was.

We drove around for a minute, trying to decide what to do. Apparently, all he had planned was “I’ll come get you”. We somehow made our way to the Naval base, and he told me about the skydiving lessons he had taken there. Honk shuuu zzzz yawn. I pretended to be interested though. From there, he mentioned that he wanted to head to bar with his brother that night, which I assumed meant our date would be over late afternoon or so, as it was at least an hour drive back to his place. Instead, he asked me if I wanted to go with him, and I was amazed he didn’t mind driving that much, but I figured, “man, he must really like me!’ and got excited.

The drive to his place was interesting.  We learned a lot about one another, and I found out he was not only recently out of the army, but also a recovering drug addict, republican, and religious. Oh jesus fuck.  Nothing says romance than the practically straight edge, liberal, agnostic and the boy who stands for everything she hates! I believe we even got into a small debate about politics, and if you know anything about me, it takes a lot to even engage me in political talk, let alone debate it.

Upon arriving in his town, we stopped at Wawa to get some coffee. Drinking the coffee, he turns to me and says, “Wanna see something?”.  Uh… sure, why not. We drive for a few minutes, and pull into a smallish park. As we’re sitting there, he begins to tell me about how this is where he used to come to make money. “Oh, did you clean up the litter or something?” Oh, Reese. Sweet, innocent Reese.  He explained to me how he would let older men suck him off for money, or drugs. Or, how they would jerk him off. Or, how they would just watch him jerk off.  “Uh huh… I see…” He let me in on the little codes and tricks used, how the way your wheels were turned, or the flashing of a head light would signify this or that. He showed me where he would take them, if they didn’t do it in his car. This was our first date, mind you, and the first time we had even MET in person. I was a bit overwhelmed, but trying to play it cool so the hot boy wouldn’t think me boring.

As we’re sitting there talking about it, (and him assuring me that it was ONLY because of the drugs, and he would NEVER do something like that otherwise), a beat- up old pick up pulls up in the spot across from us. Scott says so me, “Want to see what I’m talking about?” uh. No. No I did not. But I just said “…sure?”. I don’t know why he thought it was a good idea, or what he hoped to have come from it, other than showing me what he “used” to do, but there we were. Some things took place, of which I don’t remember, and we ended up following the truck. I don’t remember the details, other than somehow Scott knew that the truck wanted us to follow it, and so we did. After a few miles of this, Scott thought better of it, and we sharply pulled out of there, and took some windy way back to his house. On the way there, he told me how hard it was for him not to go back to that lifestyle, and how much he missed all the money he made. I really hope he gets tested on a regular basis…

I was already a bit weirded out, but then when we arrive at his house, I found out he still lived with his parents and older brother. So, the first time I meet this kid, not only is he showing me how he used to turn tricks for dope, but now I get to meet his entire family. His parents were the typical upper middle class religious family, sweet to the bone, and their house looked like every other suburban house. His brother came downstairs with his girlfriend, and they were both rocking the same style Scott was. Everyone was super sweet, but it didn’t make me feel any less weird.

After the novelty of meeting me wore off, they all left us alone, and Scott took me into the family room. We were playing around on the computer, when he begins to show me video from Iraq. Video of people being shot, and blown up, and heads being cut off. I nearly vomited, and excused myself. I sat in the living room for almost 40 minutes before he came to find me. The two beagles and I had gotten to know one another quite well at that point. Around this time, it was starting to get dark, and Scott’s brother, girlfriend, Scott, and I piled into the brother’s car and picked up some food. From there we headed to this bar, and spent HOURS there. Most of the time, I either sat at the bar alone, or with the brother’s girlfriend, while Scott ignored me and hung out with his brother. Hell, his brother talked to me more than he did. It was all really weird, and about 15 random old men hit on me and bought me drinks. We didn’t leave until the brother’s girlfriend fell off a bar stool, drunk as hell.

On the drive back to their house, Scott sat in the front with his brother, while I was left to tend to the girlfriend. A few blocks from the house, she threw up all over herself. Not that she woke up to do so or anything, and I  was given the task of cleaning her off. As soon as we got home, the boys went inside, and seemed to be hiding. I grabbed some paper towels, W, and some hot water and cleaned her, and the car, up. I don’t know how, but I managed to get this girl (who was a good 10 inches taller than I am) inside of the house, and on to the couch in the den, all by myself. Scott was ready to go to bed, and I think he was expecting me to come up with him. Instead I let him know that he promised to drive me home THAT night, and if he wouldn’t I would take a cab and send him the bill for it.

The drive back was completely silent, till we neared my area, where he proceeded to tell me how he was unable to be in a relationship and that he was really messed up (clearly), and he wasn’t ready for anything. I got completelyfreaked out and said “Relationship??? I don’t even know your last name!”  When we got to my place, he said, “We can still make out, if you want.”  I did NOT want to, and I’d like to say that I slammed the door to his car and went on my jaunty way. The truth is, however, I think we did end up making out, and the only rational thought as to why was, shit, if a boy who looks THAT good wants to make out, you make out!

I never heard from him again, nor did I contact him. So, while I’ve had crazier events happen on dates, or during hook ups, the overall disaster = The weirdest date of my life.  Being shown the spots he made money with sex acts for drugs, meeting his family, watching video of people dying, going to a bar and being ignored, having to clean up the vomit of a girl I didn’t even know…all in all, it was pretty wacky.

At least I got some free drinks out of the deal, right?

P.S. Cheryl would like me to mention that she now has a boyfriend. Being my best friend, she’s allowed to make such requests. So, if you all would, please congratulate her. She deserves it. (Don’t worry Cher, I won’t tell anyone how you didn’t lose your virginity until you were twenty-eigh…OOPS!)

The first time we hung out, we spent the night in my new apartment – no cable, no internet, no fridge. Just dvds, warm iced tea and cheez it’s (he was a vegan). Some hostess I was! We watched the entire third season of Friends, and when he was able to quote each episode as much as I was, I was completely and immediately smitten. Our first kiss set the tone for our entire relationship: At one point in the night, I made a comment about how adorable I was, and his response was simply “I’ve seen better”. He went in for the kiss and was promptly turned away, though a while later I relented. And there it was: He acted like a jerk, I ignored or got annoyed, and in a short amount of time, all was forgiven. Not exactly the healthiest routine to fall into, but it was our routine, and one that we got very comfortable in, for better or for worse.

The night he asked me to marry him, the night I said yes, I meant it more than I had ever meant anything. We both cried, he more so than I, and we began to plan our life together. And that’s what I signed up for – a life with this man I adored. I believed that by saying yes, I was saying yes to any and everything that came our way, that no matter what, we would work it out and we would be so much stronger because of it. I won’t sit here and list all of the reasons it didn’t work. Neither one of us was perfect, and in reality we were too messed up separately to make a complete, healthy unit together. But we loved one another, and wasn’t that all that mattered? I tried, for a long time, to make it work, to push through and try. In the end, there was just too much that had happened. I had lost the best parts of myself, and he became a stranger to me. I no longer recognized the person I married, and honestly, I no longer knew myself either. I had become all of the things I never wanted to be, and I had had enough.

For the longest time, to say the words out loud, “I’m getting a divorce”, made me want to crawl into a hole. I was completely ashamed, embarrassed, and felt like a failure. 28 years old, much, much too young to be going through this, and yet there I was. Harder still was everything that happened after I asked him to leave. We have been in and out of court, there is a protection order to keep him from contacting me, the whole ordeal left me feeling lost and heartbroken. I felt like I hadn’t tried hard enough, that if I just kept pushing for it, we’d be okay. I wondered if he loved me at all, and if he had, why he couldn’t just be better, why he couldn’t just be the husband I needed him to be. I thought it was because I wasn’t good enough, because I wasn’t worthy of someone loving me for a lifetime. Nevermind the fact that his issues were there long before I came into the picture. Nevermind the fact that us not being able to work had everything to do with the fact that is just wasn’t the right relationship for either of us to be in at that point in our lives. Nevermind the fact that he did everything he could to destroy us, and to make sure I could never be with him, even if he didn’t realize that’s what he was doing.

We have been separated for about 6 months now. So much has changed, so much is different now, and there’s no way we could ever go back to being a couple. But I still think about him every day. I still love him and hope he finds peace within himself. I have gone over every moment of our relationship, trying to find something that may give me answers, and the only thing I can come up with is, “it just couldn’t be”. It makes me sad, especially because throughout this whole thing, I lost the best friend I’ve ever had, and we will never get that back. He was home to me for so long, and when he was no longer there, I was utterly lost. I gained weight, I lost my job due directly or indirectly to the toll it took on me, I didn’t think finding another person to share myself with was something I would WANT, let alone find. But you know, just like every other thing in life, I wallowed, I worried, and I allowed it to consume me. And then I stopped. And I got up, and I started to find Reese again, and I’ve discovered that I really love Reese the adult.

I don’t regret my marriage, not for one second. I don’t regret loving Steve, and I don’t feel as though it was a mistake. I know he loves me, and wishes things could be different, he’s told me how sorry he is, and I believe him. For everything I have learned from being with him, about what I do and don’t want, what I am worthy of, what I feel is a healthy relationship, I am so grateful. I’ll ever stop caring for him, and I hope to always know how he’s doing. He still matters to me, and I hope whatever happens in our lives, we can always think fondly of the amazing moments we shared. I will never  love someone the way I did him, and that’s not to say I won’t or can’t love someone else again, or that I won’t be able to love someone else more. I just mean that this is something altogether unique in my life, and I am happy I was able to experience it. Three years is not a very long time, by anyone’s calendar. But in that time I fell in love, completely, and I picked myself up when that love was destroyed. I continue to surprise myself with my ability to come out on top, to just keep on keepin’ on.

28 and divorced. When I think about it now, it doesn’t sound so terrible. Instead, to me, it sounds quite hopeful. Here’s to hoping, right?

The party (or, parties, as they were taking place in all the various dorm rooms) were underway when we got there, and the night was an exercise in how to talk to drunk and or high college kids, all of whom were weird.  It should be noted that your bloggerist has a very low tolerance for smoke of any kind, and the mixture of tobacco and pot was giving me one killer headache. I decided to go hang out alone in Alex’s room until he was done with his friends. I played around on his computer, making various jokes in my head about the bands on his mp3 player, and waited for him to return.

30 minutes or so later, Alex returned, the door was locked, and the making out began. Things progressed as they often do, and I found myself giving one hell of a blow job to this boy 3 years younger than myself. He quickly finished (though I’m not sure if the duration had more to do with his age/lack of experience or my amazing oral skills…), and being a trooper, I allowed him to cum in my mouth. This girl don’t swallow though, and that left the awkward task of finding some place to put it. Being in a dorm room meant there was no bathroom unless I wanted to walk out into a hallway with a mouth full of … well, him.  He handed me an empty soda can, and I ever so gracefully discarded the contents of my mouth.

Wanting to wash the taste out, I grabbed a nearby bottle of Pepsi, and took a giant swig. No sooner did the liquid hit my tongue did Alex scream, “NO, Don’t!!!!!”. I quickly realized that my taste buds were being assaulted not by the vileness that is Pepsi, but instead by something chunky and strong. I had inadvertently taken a swallow out of the bottle his roommate used to dispose of his chew. That’s right. Instead of sperm being the worst thing in my mouth that night, I was treated to the spit and chewed up tobacco of some boy I had never met. I promptly threw up, twice, and made a mad dash for the bathroom.

…I still can’t drink Pepsi, and I always make sure to have my own bottle of water near by these days.

The first time I got the courage to let a boy know that I was completely into him and wanted to get to know him better, his response was a simple, “I have absolutely no desire to hang out with or get to know you. CLICK!” (that was the sound of the phone being hung up in my ear). Can I just tell you how much fun it was to walk around the hallways in school with he and his friends making fun of me after that? It wasn’t bad enough that upper classmen still called me “Pussy” after I made the mistake of sharing a story with my speech and debate class freshman year about how I had to get a pussy willow removed from my nose when I was 2. Now I also had the Punk Brigade laughing in my face every time I ran into them.

My next experience was remarkably similar.   There was a boy, we’ll call him Darren, who I used to hang out with quite often with a group of mutual friends. To say I had a crush on him would be like saying The Arcade Fire is slightly pretentious.  Eventually (we’re talking months of pining) I gathered up the courage to let him know just how dreamy I thought he was, and that we should get together sometime minus our little group. His response?

“I’m completely asexual right now, but even if I wasn’t, I don’t think I would ever be attracted to you.”

… Well, thanks for being so mindful of my feelings, Darren!

You would think with those two experiences happening within a year or so of one another, I’d never talk to another boy again. Which maybe is what I should have done, but instead it made me realize that any other rejection I will ever face could not possibly be as soul crushing as those moments were, and so why not just go for it?  That was pretty much the point in my life where I stopped being scared and let anyone I was interested in know as much, no matter how slim the chances.

And the funny thing? Being assertive and secure enough to just not care if someone says “no” is apparently a huge turn on! Who would have guessed confidence would be such a hit? One of the best things I’ve learned in my life is that not everyone is going to like me simply because I like them. This says nothing about me, and instead just means they aren’t right for me. Knowing this,  knowing that I can only be me and hope they find me as charming as I find them and not being deflated if they don’t has been so incredibly freeing and rewarding.  Which isn’t to say it’s always worked, or that the rejections stopped there. Quite the opposite, I have heard every terrible thing you can say to someone when they ask you out, I have been stood up more times than I can count, I have been completely ignored, and best of all once I was told “You must have a really great personality to keep getting so many dates”, which I realize wasn’t actually a rejection because I wasn’t interested in the guy, and it was just via a conversation that we were having, but still. Who says that??

However, for every time I have been disappointed, there has been 5 great dates or romantic moments to make up for it.  Like one of the greatest first date I’ve ever had, where we just spent the day walking around the city, catching a movie, sitting in a park and talking for hours. Had I not been cocky enough to know that this kid should spend time with me, I would have missed out on a really great, fun, although brief relationship that I still think back on fondly.  Or suggesting to a virtual stranger that he should disregard the fact that legally he wasn’t supposed to be driving and come over and make out with me right away. From that came one of the best friendships I have ever had. Because of my complete lack of shame, I have been on dates that consisted of  3 hour road trips, and a first date where we randomly decided to each get a new tattoo. I’ve made out against half of  the buildings in Philadelphia, and I’ve been to some amazing restaurants I never would have tried on my own. I have had amazing conversation in the most random of places, and have met the most eclectic group of people I could ever imagine. The point is, I opened myself up, stopped worrying about the word “No”, and because of that, I have had experiences, good and bad, and really, what else is the purpose of being here?