I would like to share with you the story of the strangest date I’ve ever had, which up until the other day, I had completely forgotten about.
A few years ago, I met a boy online. I don’t remember where, and I don’t even remember his name, but we’ll call him Scott. Scott and I emailed a few times, and had one or two telephone conversations before he asked me if I would like to go on a date. Now, I may not remember his name, but I do remember him being fucking HOT. On the shorter side, with beautiful full sleeves, slicked back dark hair, intense eyes, he looked a lot like Chris Carrabba, but more rockabilly. Of course I said yes. He lived a bit away, on the complete other side of the airport, and I don’t drive, so I offered to meet him in the city- half way for both of us. Being a gentleman, he said no way, and came to pick me up. I remember him complimenting my hair (and, it did look awesome, I must admit. It looked much like this at the time: , which I know you can’t tell from that picture, but trust me, it was hot), and I also remember being completely unable to form a coherent sentence for 10 minutes or so because of how attracted to him I was.
We drove around for a minute, trying to decide what to do. Apparently, all he had planned was “I’ll come get you”. We somehow made our way to the Naval base, and he told me about the skydiving lessons he had taken there. Honk shuuu zzzz yawn. I pretended to be interested though. From there, he mentioned that he wanted to head to bar with his brother that night, which I assumed meant our date would be over late afternoon or so, as it was at least an hour drive back to his place. Instead, he asked me if I wanted to go with him, and I was amazed he didn’t mind driving that much, but I figured, “man, he must really like me!’ and got excited.
The drive to his place was interesting. We learned a lot about one another, and I found out he was not only recently out of the army, but also a recovering drug addict, republican, and religious. Oh jesus fuck. Nothing says romance than the practically straight edge, liberal, agnostic and the boy who stands for everything she hates! I believe we even got into a small debate about politics, and if you know anything about me, it takes a lot to even engage me in political talk, let alone debate it.
Upon arriving in his town, we stopped at Wawa to get some coffee. Drinking the coffee, he turns to me and says, “Wanna see something?”. Uh… sure, why not. We drive for a few minutes, and pull into a smallish park. As we’re sitting there, he begins to tell me about how this is where he used to come to make money. “Oh, did you clean up the litter or something?” Oh, Reese. Sweet, innocent Reese. He explained to me how he would let older men suck him off for money, or drugs. Or, how they would jerk him off. Or, how they would just watch him jerk off. “Uh huh… I see…” He let me in on the little codes and tricks used, how the way your wheels were turned, or the flashing of a head light would signify this or that. He showed me where he would take them, if they didn’t do it in his car. This was our first date, mind you, and the first time we had even MET in person. I was a bit overwhelmed, but trying to play it cool so the hot boy wouldn’t think me boring.
As we’re sitting there talking about it, (and him assuring me that it was ONLY because of the drugs, and he would NEVER do something like that otherwise), a beat- up old pick up pulls up in the spot across from us. Scott says so me, “Want to see what I’m talking about?” uh. No. No I did not. But I just said “…sure?”. I don’t know why he thought it was a good idea, or what he hoped to have come from it, other than showing me what he “used” to do, but there we were. Some things took place, of which I don’t remember, and we ended up following the truck. I don’t remember the details, other than somehow Scott knew that the truck wanted us to follow it, and so we did. After a few miles of this, Scott thought better of it, and we sharply pulled out of there, and took some windy way back to his house. On the way there, he told me how hard it was for him not to go back to that lifestyle, and how much he missed all the money he made. I really hope he gets tested on a regular basis…
I was already a bit weirded out, but then when we arrive at his house, I found out he still lived with his parents and older brother. So, the first time I meet this kid, not only is he showing me how he used to turn tricks for dope, but now I get to meet his entire family. His parents were the typical upper middle class religious family, sweet to the bone, and their house looked like every other suburban house. His brother came downstairs with his girlfriend, and they were both rocking the same style Scott was. Everyone was super sweet, but it didn’t make me feel any less weird.
After the novelty of meeting me wore off, they all left us alone, and Scott took me into the family room. We were playing around on the computer, when he begins to show me video from Iraq. Video of people being shot, and blown up, and heads being cut off. I nearly vomited, and excused myself. I sat in the living room for almost 40 minutes before he came to find me. The two beagles and I had gotten to know one another quite well at that point. Around this time, it was starting to get dark, and Scott’s brother, girlfriend, Scott, and I piled into the brother’s car and picked up some food. From there we headed to this bar, and spent HOURS there. Most of the time, I either sat at the bar alone, or with the brother’s girlfriend, while Scott ignored me and hung out with his brother. Hell, his brother talked to me more than he did. It was all really weird, and about 15 random old men hit on me and bought me drinks. We didn’t leave until the brother’s girlfriend fell off a bar stool, drunk as hell.
On the drive back to their house, Scott sat in the front with his brother, while I was left to tend to the girlfriend. A few blocks from the house, she threw up all over herself. Not that she woke up to do so or anything, and I was given the task of cleaning her off. As soon as we got home, the boys went inside, and seemed to be hiding. I grabbed some paper towels, W, and some hot water and cleaned her, and the car, up. I don’t know how, but I managed to get this girl (who was a good 10 inches taller than I am) inside of the house, and on to the couch in the den, all by myself. Scott was ready to go to bed, and I think he was expecting me to come up with him. Instead I let him know that he promised to drive me home THAT night, and if he wouldn’t I would take a cab and send him the bill for it.
The drive back was completely silent, till we neared my area, where he proceeded to tell me how he was unable to be in a relationship and that he was really messed up (clearly), and he wasn’t ready for anything. I got completelyfreaked out and said “Relationship??? I don’t even know your last name!” When we got to my place, he said, “We can still make out, if you want.” I did NOT want to, and I’d like to say that I slammed the door to his car and went on my jaunty way. The truth is, however, I think we did end up making out, and the only rational thought as to why was, shit, if a boy who looks THAT good wants to make out, you make out!
I never heard from him again, nor did I contact him. So, while I’ve had crazier events happen on dates, or during hook ups, the overall disaster = The weirdest date of my life. Being shown the spots he made money with sex acts for drugs, meeting his family, watching video of people dying, going to a bar and being ignored, having to clean up the vomit of a girl I didn’t even know…all in all, it was pretty wacky.
At least I got some free drinks out of the deal, right?
P.S. Cheryl would like me to mention that she now has a boyfriend. Being my best friend, she’s allowed to make such requests. So, if you all would, please congratulate her. She deserves it. (Don’t worry Cher, I won’t tell anyone how you didn’t lose your virginity until you were twenty-eigh…OOPS!)